No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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