I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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