Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
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We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
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Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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