She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
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high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
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What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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