I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The Olympian is in my bed
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
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