the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
All the doctor said was why
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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