i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
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As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
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as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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