So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize