last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize