I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
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She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
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ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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