I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
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If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
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But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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