6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize