So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
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It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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