Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
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I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
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Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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