Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
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I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
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I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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