Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
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It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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