I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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