Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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