I wish my penis had an off switch
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
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I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
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So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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