We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
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An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
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