you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
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My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
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She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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