I want to walk on stilts...naked
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
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No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
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It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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