Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
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i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
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I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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