wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
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I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
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When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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