This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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