just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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