Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
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Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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