insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
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I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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