wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
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I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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