you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
His hands were made for my vagina.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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