Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
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And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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