The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
my poor anus
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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