So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
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I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
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The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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