his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
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We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
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I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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