I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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