i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
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She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
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My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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