If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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