After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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