He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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