I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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