thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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