i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
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i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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