Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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