we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
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So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
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Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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