What did we do last night that was yellow?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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