we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
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