You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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