she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
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im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
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We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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