so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
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i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
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We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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