it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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